| only one preson reads this page, and I don't know why you do. there's nothing here worth reading anymore, and maybe there never was. in case anybody else reads this page, i deleted the most recent post. plainly put, because what i wrote was a lie. it was a post about how happy i was, when really, i just wanted everyone to think i was happy. i had just broken up with someone i cared for, and had just started going out with someone else. someone who wanted to see me smile. and i was happy to have someone that wanted to be close to me. but as a whole i was a very unhappy person at the time. and i can't say i was just unhappy because of this or that, i was unhappy altogether because i hated my life. i had a family member i was close to die, i had recently been in a bad relationship with someone who either didn't know what she wanted, or just wanted to get whatever she could out of me, and i had even more recently broken up with somebody who i had been interested in since i started going to nshs. i had distanced myself from all my friends by moving away from them, my family had largely turned their backs on me... all in all, i had nothing to be happy about. so i lied. and i said i couldn't be happier. well, if anyone else reads this page and wants to know what the post i'm refering to said, it's the same post as the one under this that i have left, except that instead of saying i'm depressed, it said i'm happy. and for all the same reasons the last post said i was depressed. but you couldn't see through it could you? that post is gone now, and there's no reason it should have stayed up so long, or even been posted in the first place. but there's no point adding a post if it's got nothing new, and i think the falsehood of the last post was transparent enough that nothing i've said so far should be a shock to anybody. so here's something new. a story for anyone who reads this page: just over four years ago, one of the most beautiful and talented women around gave something to a pitiful wretch living in the dark, not far from his breaking point. that thing was a ray of the purest light he had ever seen. the young wretch, who had taken an interest in the woman, knew she would never love him. but even still, he was overjoyed by the bond she had made between them. for close to two months the wretch tagged along beside her, hoping for the first time in hat felt like forever, that one day she might share the same feelings he had for her. after close to two months, however, of her flinching and pulling away every time he tried to touch her, of her seemingly not wanting anything to do with him, he gave up. and in doing so, he gave up the glimmer of light that she had given him. a couple days later, another woman came to him, wanting to be close to him, telling the wretch that she loved him and wanted to be with him, and that she wanted him to be happy. so the young man, thinking he had done what the beautiful woman would've wanted, settled for being comforted by this other girl. she wasn't the woman whose affection he had sought, but the wretch understood that quite often, you can't have what you want, no matter how badly you want it. so he stayed with this girl who said she loved him and said she wanted to be close to him. and for a very long while she lied to him everyday, told lies about him to others and frequently mistreated him. all the while, the young woman who the wretch had sought the affections of grew to hate him, but said nothing to him about it. instead she told everybody she knew about what a disgusting person he was, even to the point of lying about him herself. eventually the woman who claimed to love the young wretch mistreated him badly enough and enough times that he tried to kill himself twice, but she came and stopped him both times. however, after this, she only began treating him worse, and finally, he waited until she was out of town and tried to kill himself again. this time he did it with a knife and bled until he passed out, but still managed to live through it. because of the marks left from the cuts, he elicited a great many scornful and derogatory remarks from those close to him, but nobody seemed to care, except that it put them at an inconvenience. finally the woman cheated on the wretch and left him, but told him to wait for her to finish getting what she wanted from the other man, and she'd come back and be with him. this was more than he cared to take, and the wretch decided that even if he couldn't have the woman he wanted, this girl wasn't worth the abuse, and certainly wasn't worth this. he went on his own and spent some time by himself, and was able to find peace in his solitude, even if he couldn't find happiness. after a while, the girl started talking to him about coming back, and he told her he didn't want anything to do with it. shortly after, by chance, he came upon the woman who had offered him the ray of light before. he began talking with her and though he could tell she wanted nothing to do with her, he wanted to be around her just as much as ever. eventually the wretch learned that she had loved him two years before, and had simply not said anything to him about it. the young man then determined to make up for the unhappiness that he had caused her and began spending every day trying to make the woman happy. after a very long while of him doing everything he could to please her, the woman told the wretch that she once again loved him, but she was unhappy with him because he had given up on her years ago. the man decided to himself that he would never let her go again now that he had her, and continued spending the rest of his days pushing forward, trying to please her, and forever being held back by the past she couldn't let go of. |
